Addicted to Rejection

 

I miss your poisonous rejections

I miss your hateful, rude injections

I am incomplete without your flesh-distorting words

I need you to be here and break me further, I need the hurt

My wounds have grown together, almost forgotten

You used to thrust a knife in them, reach their very bottom

You used to add salt, digg and cut much deeper

Though you initially just said “a centimetre”

But you wouldn't stop until your knife 

Made all it`s way to the other side 

Soon a sword, a beam, you could freely try

To fit into, and wedge inside

 

All these weapons stuck into my flesh

A pile of useless metal, wires, rubbish - in which I was enmeshed

I was supposed to also serve you, do my best for free

I was rejected because of what you did to me

I invoked such shame indeed

I was not a sight to see

I was crippled, handicapped and broken

My wounds were bleeding, open

The rusty metal, gave me fevers

And infections, I could not retrieve my sanity for years 

Step by step, I ran away

The distance - huge, it helped me gain

The right to steer my own being, the right to be free

The right to say “just leave me be!”

Ten years I was pulling out, away

Wrapped in bandages, I stayed

The traces I cannot erase

It was part of me, you say it was “a phase”

The blood is dried and washed away

The bruises gone, though some of them will always stay

As indentations, holes, there are so many scars

The wounds you gave me, they are my guiding stars 

They would demand so much of me

They would demand attention, care, also to be filled

Recently it`s been so quiet, peaceful, there is no longer hunger

You used to be my stormy weather, full of thunder

My deformed being is allowed to breathe

But am I really? Is it indeed?

The scars and indentations, they remind me to this day

Of the price I had to pay

For being with you, hold your hand

On you I did depend

Distance didn`t stop med from replacing you

It made me crave it more, my medicine true!

They are here ready with a rude word to caress

With a dagger in their hand, a sword, ready to impress

Every corner of the room knows my weakness,

For quite some time has been a witness

To my weeping, self-mutilation, my self-disdain

It has watched helplessly my agony, my pain

Although I swore never again

I can`t refrain

From begging all copies of you

For more rejection, that`s what I do

It is you again, your sleeve I tug

I need a thornfull, painful hug

Just do it one more time

I have a hole to fill - do not be shy

Stab me once again, otherwise I`ll die

Do not ask me why!

I know you will - you are the best at this

It`s what it takes for me to be at peace

With you again, the world, and everything around me

It helps my reason to retain, please allow me! 

Then I will know I would not have lived in vain

I am a sheath for your dagger, accommodation for your pain!

I know to me you should be nasty, rude

By no means kindness should protrude!

Stab me, please! As often as you can

I can`t give up the high it gives me, damn! 

I wouldn't feel a thing if it wasn't all for this

Not even the worst sting, the pain should more increase

Oh I miss your stings and stabs so badly

They seemed to be unhealthy for me

It took me quite some time to understand

It took me lifetime, to reveal my addiction, which time to end

These stings used to leave me so exhausted, tired

Lying on the floor for days, for weeks, I felt expired

I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe

My skin was cardboard, I felt like a shameless thief

I felt like I was stealing from you

I felt so insolent, as criminal so cruel

For wanting stuff you never had

For wanting life from someone who was dead

I was punished by the thing you did best

Though this being the wrong place in which to invest

And one more time - it was not sufficient

Eternal supply of rejection needed, forgive me, I`m a nuissance!

Once again every pore of mine is screaming 

Every cell devouring itself, you must be beaming

With pride, cause once again

I got the pleasurable pain

You and those like you - eternal providers

Your lives cannot get any more giving, wilder

Initially I tried to make excuses

But it was all so terribly confusing

The habit turned to lifestyle, cosy

I craved it every minute of my waking life, I chose it

It drained my blood for many years

It caused me to produce a few large seas of tears

I thought for some time it was weeded

Out, forgotten in the past, something I no longer needed

It has come back, once again to try I must

To feel this terrible excitement, painful lust

Looking forward to sweet painful confinement

My childhood memories are stirred, such an excitement!

My rusty chains solidify again around my wrists 

Where only scars and bruises for a while untouched had lived

My heroes from my past they punish me again

A dagger pierces my heart, and then the rain

Of blood and sweat and tears

Dripping all around me, I can see my life, these many years

My endless efforts, striving, was all in vain

Whatever I have wanted - it will never be obtained 

In the jumble of my fears once again, 

I will be forcefully detained

I will gladly go out in the rain of blood

Drops turn into sharp broken shards, I should

It is my duty, though I`m injured, hurt

You took all clothes off my back, my shirt

The shards will stab me, cut my skin

They will wedge themselves so deeply, in my soul within

They will also tear my hopes apart

The same will happen to my heart

My being, and my hopes will all be pinned onto the ground 

In weeds, and dirty soil they will be wound 

The next decade I will spend scraping

Putting them together, taping 

Bandages again will be my clothing

My flesh again will be eroding

While you soar high, exhilarated

Energised and proud, so motivated

Your ego I have fed, you feel that, right?

While I struggle to get by, while I do my best to hide

You look down on me so content 

I am the one you are allowed to resent 

And I felt so dirty, ugly, small

Significance below what even vermin would get at all

This is something I am used to

Obviously something that I choose to

I was so terribly induced to

Lifeless people I need to give a boost to

But is it me or you who`s lifeless

I dont see the difference any more, it`s doubtless

I am more lifeless definitely, by default,

I feel like everything has been my fault

Just do it once again, don`t ask me

I will not bother you again, just trust me

Copies of you out there - plenty

There are so many people who are empty!

I walk away once more with weapons stuck into my flesh

I need some time alone to press the button of “refresh”

I will go through the processes once again

I am thankful to you that you caused me all this pain! 


Copyright ©thescribblerinthebooth

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