Addicted to Rejection
I miss your poisonous rejections
I miss your hateful, rude injections
I am incomplete without your flesh-distorting words
I need you to be here and break me further, I need the hurt
My wounds have grown together, almost forgotten
You used to thrust a knife in them, reach their very bottom
You used to add salt, digg and cut much deeper
Though you initially just said “a centimetre”
But you wouldn't stop until your knife
Made all it`s way to the other side
Soon a sword, a beam, you could freely try
To fit into, and wedge inside
All these weapons stuck into my flesh
A pile of useless metal, wires, rubbish - in which I was enmeshed
I was supposed to also serve you, do my best for free
I was rejected because of what you did to me
I invoked such shame indeed
I was not a sight to see
I was crippled, handicapped and broken
My wounds were bleeding, open
The rusty metal, gave me fevers
And infections, I could not retrieve my sanity for years
Step by step, I ran away
The distance - huge, it helped me gain
The right to steer my own being, the right to be free
The right to say “just leave me be!”
Ten years I was pulling out, away
Wrapped in bandages, I stayed
The traces I cannot erase
It was part of me, you say it was “a phase”
The blood is dried and washed away
The bruises gone, though some of them will always stay
As indentations, holes, there are so many scars
The wounds you gave me, they are my guiding stars
They would demand so much of me
They would demand attention, care, also to be filled
Recently it`s been so quiet, peaceful, there is no longer hunger
You used to be my stormy weather, full of thunder
My deformed being is allowed to breathe
But am I really? Is it indeed?
The scars and indentations, they remind me to this day
Of the price I had to pay
For being with you, hold your hand
On you I did depend
Distance didn`t stop med from replacing you
It made me crave it more, my medicine true!
They are here ready with a rude word to caress
With a dagger in their hand, a sword, ready to impress
Every corner of the room knows my weakness,
For quite some time has been a witness
To my weeping, self-mutilation, my self-disdain
It has watched helplessly my agony, my pain
Although I swore never again
I can`t refrain
From begging all copies of you
For more rejection, that`s what I do
It is you again, your sleeve I tug
I need a thornfull, painful hug
Just do it one more time
I have a hole to fill - do not be shy
Stab me once again, otherwise I`ll die
Do not ask me why!
I know you will - you are the best at this
It`s what it takes for me to be at peace
With you again, the world, and everything around me
It helps my reason to retain, please allow me!
Then I will know I would not have lived in vain
I am a sheath for your dagger, accommodation for your pain!
I know to me you should be nasty, rude
By no means kindness should protrude!
Stab me, please! As often as you can
I can`t give up the high it gives me, damn!
I wouldn't feel a thing if it wasn't all for this
Not even the worst sting, the pain should more increase
Oh I miss your stings and stabs so badly
They seemed to be unhealthy for me
It took me quite some time to understand
It took me lifetime, to reveal my addiction, which time to end
These stings used to leave me so exhausted, tired
Lying on the floor for days, for weeks, I felt expired
I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe
My skin was cardboard, I felt like a shameless thief
I felt like I was stealing from you
I felt so insolent, as criminal so cruel
For wanting stuff you never had
For wanting life from someone who was dead
I was punished by the thing you did best
Though this being the wrong place in which to invest
And one more time - it was not sufficient
Eternal supply of rejection needed, forgive me, I`m a nuissance!
Once again every pore of mine is screaming
Every cell devouring itself, you must be beaming
With pride, cause once again
I got the pleasurable pain
You and those like you - eternal providers
Your lives cannot get any more giving, wilder
Initially I tried to make excuses
But it was all so terribly confusing
The habit turned to lifestyle, cosy
I craved it every minute of my waking life, I chose it
It drained my blood for many years
It caused me to produce a few large seas of tears
I thought for some time it was weeded
Out, forgotten in the past, something I no longer needed
It has come back, once again to try I must
To feel this terrible excitement, painful lust
Looking forward to sweet painful confinement
My childhood memories are stirred, such an excitement!
My rusty chains solidify again around my wrists
Where only scars and bruises for a while untouched had lived
My heroes from my past they punish me again
A dagger pierces my heart, and then the rain
Of blood and sweat and tears
Dripping all around me, I can see my life, these many years
My endless efforts, striving, was all in vain
Whatever I have wanted - it will never be obtained
In the jumble of my fears once again,
I will be forcefully detained
I will gladly go out in the rain of blood
Drops turn into sharp broken shards, I should
It is my duty, though I`m injured, hurt
You took all clothes off my back, my shirt
The shards will stab me, cut my skin
They will wedge themselves so deeply, in my soul within
They will also tear my hopes apart
The same will happen to my heart
My being, and my hopes will all be pinned onto the ground
In weeds, and dirty soil they will be wound
The next decade I will spend scraping
Putting them together, taping
Bandages again will be my clothing
My flesh again will be eroding
While you soar high, exhilarated
Energised and proud, so motivated
Your ego I have fed, you feel that, right?
While I struggle to get by, while I do my best to hide
You look down on me so content
I am the one you are allowed to resent
And I felt so dirty, ugly, small
Significance below what even vermin would get at all
This is something I am used to
Obviously something that I choose to
I was so terribly induced to
Lifeless people I need to give a boost to
But is it me or you who`s lifeless
I dont see the difference any more, it`s doubtless
I am more lifeless definitely, by default,
I feel like everything has been my fault
Just do it once again, don`t ask me
I will not bother you again, just trust me
Copies of you out there - plenty
There are so many people who are empty!
I walk away once more with weapons stuck into my flesh
I need some time alone to press the button of “refresh”
I will go through the processes once again
I am thankful to you that you caused me all this pain!
Copyright ©thescribblerinthebooth